Today should have been pretty boring.
The excitement of yesterday’s excursion has subsided and I returned to my quieter existence
at home.
Three freerolls had the pleasure of my participation today although I didn’t last long enough
in any of them to impart any words of wisdom to my fellow players, apart from a choice phrase or two when I was knocked out
going all in pre flop with A-K suited against 7-9 off. That didn’t last long either as my chat was disabled for use
of obscene language.
And so my day progressed unhindered before I was disturbed by a telephone call from Mrs. Snowman.
She had been requested to work an extra couple of hours, would arrive home late and therefore asked me very sweetly if I would
be good enough to make dinner.
No problem.
I don’t consider myself to be a bad cook; it’s just that things always seem to
go wrong when I’m in the kitchen.
However, I felt I should make the effort. I persuade myself that I’m a modern guy and
quite capable of standing up to my duties as a husband and help out when called upon in an emergency, not only that but I
could also score a few points after getting home drunk yesterday evening. After all, how difficult could it be to make a meal?
I seem to remember that she likes shepherds pie so I get to work.
After finding some mince meat, potatoes, vegetables and gravy granules I clear a space on the
work surface and start the preparation.
For the females reading this you should try to understand the transformation that takes place
in a man’s head when he’s performing a specified task. When I drive the car I’m Nigel Mansel, when I play
poker I’m Doyle Brunson. Stood in front of a pile of raw food I’m Gordon Ramsey. Come on guys, be honest, you
know what I’m talking about.
Anyway, I put on an apron and slung a tea towel over
my shoulder to make me feel like I knew what I was doing. I don’t have a chef’s hat but improvised by turning
a baseball cap inside out and wearing that instead.
Everything went perfectly and before long ‘Shepherds Pie a la Snowman’ was ready
for the oven. I crank up the temperature, shove it on the bottom shelf and triumphantly retire to the living room for a well-deserved
cigarette and can of beer.
The wife will be delighted; I’m clearly not as useless as she thinks I am.
To my delight I even find an episode of Baywatch on the TV so put my feet up and spend an hour
watching Pamela Anderson’s chest bounce up and down like two rabbits having a fight in a plastic bag. Life is good.
Then the smoke alarm went off.
Rather than the pristine space I remembered, the kitchen now looks like something from a Stephen
King novel.
A mist of dreadfully smelling black smoke hangs in the air while something unidentified is
oozing out of the oven and slowly creeping across the floor. I quickly turn it off, open the door and stare for a few seconds
in horror as my brain engages and figures out what I did wrong.
An unused Pyrex oven dish sat by the sink provided the answer.
I’d used a plastic one.
The previously flawless Shepherds Pie was now a large blob dripping through the metal rungs
of the oven shelf like a huge lump of snot.
Panic set in and I frantically tried to clean up the mess. I’ve got a smoke alarm screaming above my head, a
congealing lump of goo at my feet and to make matters worse the cat sneaks past me and starts to eat a lump of meat-infused
plastic. It’s not long before a huge amount of cat sick adds to my problems. It wasn’t a good afternoon.
Unbelievably, I manage to revert the kitchen back to its normal state after an hour or so of
hard graft, and use every single can of air freshener, bottle of aftershave and scented candle I can find to get rid of the
stench. With minutes to spare, I finish up and by the time my wife comes home I’m stretched out on the sofa with my
heart beating like a greyhound.
Pizza is ordered and Mrs. Snowman is none the wiser.
I managed to get though this one by the skin of my arse cheeks, unless of course she reads
this in which case by tomorrow I’ll be wearing my testicles as earrings.
The only other point of interest was my 38th place in the evening freeroll that
earned me $0.35. This time I won’t be so cavalier with the winnings.
Starting bank: $0
Current bank: $0.35