This isn’t a euphemism for some dreadful disease or a pet name for any dangly bits of my anatomy but the current state of the entire ground floor of the house. After several weeks of tearing my hair out to complete the decorating, Mrs. Snowman insisted I damage some of it by putting up the Christmas decorations.

    My idea of enhancing the annual festivities is to erect a small tree in the corner of the room, throw some lights at it and maybe wrap a piece of tinsel around the television remote control. This usually takes about ten minutes, leaving the remainder of the holidays to participate in more traditional activities such as getting so drunk I can’t remember my own name.

    Mrs. Snowman had other ideas.

    Somehow she managed to find eight boxes of decorations, lights and assorted adornments with which to turn a previously normal house into somewhere that Santa Claus would reside if he had a PCP habit. Tinsel and garlands trail from every available inch of wall space while the Christmas tree is laden with so many flashing lights it’s draining enough electricity to power a medium sized office building. Hundreds of drawing pins and tacks have been driven into the ceiling and walls to hold up the decorations and a previously spotless surface now looks like it’s been peppered by a small calibre machine gun.

    I’m sure the house is sinking into its foundations under the weight.

    It’s difficult for me to convey the full extent of the scene but if you can imagine trying to cram in Liberace’s entire wardrobe into a suitcase you might start to get the idea.

    I’ve taken to wearing sunglasses indoors.

    In an attempt to take my mind off my new surroundings I played the 1c/2c tables for a couple of sessions. After making a few stupid decisions I eventually decided to quit after earning a $2.79 profit (for a $2 stake) in my afternoon stint. The wife managed to fight her way through the decorations to make dinner and I readied myself for another go in the evening. Once more the 1c/2c tables saw my participation and amazingly I made another $1.55 before celebrating with a large bourbon. The way I’ve been playing the freerolls, this is a huge victory and one with which I’m delighted. Two sessions, two wins! I’m sure you’re as amazed as I am but don’t worry, I’m sure I shall revert to my usual crap standard tomorrow so you can expect to see the bankroll depleted once more.

    The last thing to report from today’s activities is awkward as there is no doubt Mrs. Snowman will read this but I have to keep my daily log accurate and accept the consequences. To place the various garlands, lights and tinsel in high positions I obviously needed a stepladder or something similar to reach up. As a ladder was unavailable, I used the next best thing.

    The mother-in-law has a small pine coffee table.

    Well, she had one until about half past five this afternoon. It took my weight for about twenty minutes until I heard a creak, a crack and it collapsed under me. The fucking thing is broken beyond repair.

    As there is a good chance my kneecaps will suffer the same fate when she finds out, I’ve hidden it in the back garden behind one of the greenhouses. I intend to tell her on Christmas morning sometime between her second glass of sherry and opening her third present. This should ensure my injuries will be kept to a minimum.

    I hope.

Starting bank:  $0