Yesterday I devised yet another plot to triumph in the freerolls that involved getting drunk
before starting and then playing in such a relaxed manner than I would win at a stroll.
I was successful in only half of this plan for the midnight event.
By 10.00pm I was so drunk I could barely see the laptop let alone the screen.
My memory is a little hazy over the exact details but I do remember lasting just shy of ten
minutes in the tournament after deciding I had a burning desire for a peanut butter and jam sandwich. I played on for another
three hands but my heart wasn’t in it. I wobbled to the kitchen and made the messiest snack in culinary history before
returning to the sofa and polishing off the remainder of the bourbon.
I’m not sure what happened after that, as the next thing I know is sunlight straining
through the bedroom window and the wife shaking the hell out of me. It’s mid-morning and I’m supposed to be taking
the mother-in-law to Heathrow airport.
Oh shit…
Neither of them has any intention of showing me the milk of human kindness.
I’d have received a friendlier reception if I’d confessed to killing Mother Teresa.
Consequently it’s the wife who packs the cases, broomstick and voodoo dolls for her mother’s
holiday, and sets off for London like she’s on the starting grid of the Indianapolis 500.
My head is thumping like someone’s let off a firework in my skull and my mouth feels
like a bull elephant has taken a shit on my teeth.
A quick shower and half a tube of toothpaste makes me feel a little better and I wander downstairs
to brood on the sofa. The usual return journey time to Heathrow is about ninety minutes but as they have the combined directional
sense of a headless chicken on acid, it could be anything up to six or seven hours. With any luck it will give me enough time
to work out an acceptable apology. My penance could be anything from washing the dishes for the next few weeks to a prolonged
stay in hospital – possibly in traction.
The wife eventually arrived home and was smiling. This scared me more than anything. I’d
rather she ran at me with a large knife but she remained silent before dropping the bombshell.
A discussion had taken place on the journey and it was decided I was to decorate both the dining
room and living room.
Oh God.
The last time I embarked on anything as creative as this it didn’t turn out well. I decorated
my apartment and, although the wallpaper looked nice, I also papered over the door and couldn’t find a way to get out.
The painting wasn’t a runaway success either. The carpet received more paint than the walls.
And they’ve let me loose on an entire house.
I shall keep you informed of progress.
On a more inspiring note, my hangover was disappearing as the freeroll started. I got very
lucky against some idiots early on and doubled up twice with Q-Q and A-J. I was eventually knocked out but not before reaching
the giddy heights of 39th place and a prize of $0.38. If I hadn’t been rivered with a flush I might even
have got to the top ten. I was nonetheless content with my performance and hopefully will make it back from the pub in time
for the midnight event.
I’ve been keeping my eyes open for news reports of a passenger being jettisoned at 30,000
feet by a group of irate airline passengers but so far it hasn’t happened. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for
the return journey.
Starting bank: $0.
Current bank: $0.73
