After registering a name and locating a host I now had to build a site. As my artistic creativity extends no further than sculpting mashed potato into shapes that look like women’s breasts on my dinner plate, I’m not entirely convinced this will turn out well.

    I sat down with an aura of excited anticipation, took a couple of deep breaths and prepared myself to build an award-winning site. Then it dawned on me…I’ve got absolutely no idea what I’m doing.

    Staring blankly at the screen would obviously not get the job done so I phoned a friend who’s in the computer business. His reaction wasn’t really what I wanted to hear:

    “You prick. I don’t design web sites, I repair monitors”

    Ah, good point.

    However, he did tell me that a load of companies offer pre-designed templates that can be manipulated into personal and professional looking pages. Great, I’ll try that. I spent some time hunting these down (it took a while as I wanted to find some free ones) and eventually discovered a couple that are ideal for my purposes. They’re downloaded via something called “Winzip” (presumably an award for trouser manufacturers) which amazingly I manage to do correctly without too much swearing. All I have to do now is merge them with my own stuff and the site can be posted.

    I’m nearly there!

    No I’m not…I can’t open the files.

    I have the correct program but no matter what I do, the download remained elusive. On a couple of the sites I visited, I was assured unzipping these files was idiot proof. Shame it’s not Snowman proof.

    Abandoning any hope of retrieving the downloads I turn my attention to designing the site with a pencil and paper. Obviously I need all the usual stuff: guest book, response form, contact page, etc. but also come up with the bright idea of a chat room and games page as a more entertaining alternative to the diary. And the focal point of this thought?…video strip poker, one for the guys and one for the girls.

    I spent three hours playing the demos just to make sure they were suitable. This is, of course, a legitimate research project (not simply because I wanted to see videos of naked women cavorting around a card table) and one that I shall have to repeat tomorrow as I’m still to find out what happens when they lose all their clothes. If I wasn’t such a crap I player I wouldn’t have lost to a computer rigged in my favour. For all I know, the models could be wearing underwear with pictures of Don King printed on them. Come to think of it, it probably looks more like Don King when they take their knickers off.

    Two things that obviously weren’t rigged in my favour were the afternoon freerolls.

    When I say freerolls, I should be talking in the singular rather than the plural as Mrs. Snowman had a stab at the second one. Not unreasonably she reasoned she couldn’t do any worse than me and it wasn’t long before shouted expletives resonated around the house as she encountered the all-in donkeys and was soon eliminated.

    I did no better in the evening event so my bankroll remains languishing at next to nothing. I promise you all I shall apply myself with more determination tomorrow.

    On an earlier subject, it was reported on the lunchtime news bulletin that thieves stole a shipment of Viagra yesterday evening from the local hospital…police are looking for two hardened criminals. (That gag is currently on display in the Smithsonian Institute of Archaeology).

Starting bank:  $0