I realise the complaints will come flooding in for that comment so it should come with an explanation and more specific note: what is it with my wife and cars?

    Thankfully my mother-in-law doesn’t drive and rides a bicycle to and from work (I haven’t figured out where this is but have assumed it’s either a blood bank or lookalike agency) so I’m unable to cast any stones in her direction. Her daughter, however, is a different matter.

    Last night I was dispatched to the local shops in order to purchase cigarettes and on my return drove the car directly into the driveway. Nothing unreasonable about that, especially considering it was pissing down with rain. It wasn’t until she returned from work in the afternoon that I got the tongue-lashing.

    Rather than a hugged greeting, the conversation went as follows:

    ME:   “Hi darling, good day at work?”

    WIFE:   “I’m not talking to you!”

    ME:   “Er…why? What have I done now?”

    WIFE:   “I reversed the car into the wall this morning and smashed the wing mirror”

    ME:   “So why aren’t you talking to me?”

    WIFE:   “Because it’s your fault!”

    ME:   “What? I wasn’t even up when you went to work”

    WIFE:   “I know, but you parked the car last night and the rear window was covered in mist this morning”

    Don’t worry, I couldn’t figure it out either.

    I can only assume I was being blamed for either the weather, my wife’s inability to reverse a one and a half ton vehicle, the placement of a wall that has stood unadulterated for sixty years or a combination of the three.

    I spent the rest of the afternoon searching Ebay for replacement Toyota parts in a very hostile atmosphere. Admittedly it didn’t help when I suggested the cat should drive her the following day. Things were back to normal by the evening although I didn’t like the look on her face when I was given some very suspicious looking meatballs for dinner.

    Although I still don’t consider myself in any way responsible for adding to the workload of Toyota’s spares department, I am entirely to blame for day’s poker mishap.

    I started well on the 1c/2c tables winning 33cents and taking the running total to a respectable $3.65. “Great” I say to myself, I’m on a roll and up the ante to the 2c/4c tables where I invested $2 and lost the whole lot within an hour. I can’t even blame any donks, I just got carried away when I won a couple of pots and then got into a betting war with the big blind. I had pocket Queens and finally whet all in only to see him turn over pocket Kings. He played it well, I played like a moron and my bank is down to under two bucks. I shall know better next time.

    As I leave today’s post to posterity I can only offer myself one piece of advice. Next time the wife wants to upgrade her vehicle, I’m buying her a fucking skateboard.

Starting bank:  $0