I’ve found a new toy.
While I was waiting for today’s lunchtime freeroll I surfed the Internet and discovered a site that has a digital
synthesizer and recorder. It was free to download so I thought I’d give it a shot. Not only does it look really groovy
across the screen but also it works extraordinarily well.
You may be asking yourselves the first thing your reporter used this technology for; did I get my electric guitar and
experiment with psychedelic chord changes? Did I try to incorporate some newly created futuristic sounds into an existing
Pink Floyd track? No…I did what every other man would initially think of with such an instrument.
Farting.
When women let one go it’s generally reminiscent of a whale song with only a slight variation in pitch and volume.
The exception to this rule is the mother-in-law who sounds more like a Howitzer.
Men, on the other hand, have a much wider repertoire.
They can even be categorised. Firstly there’s “The Squeak”, a high-pitched emission like a damp rag
being dragged down a window. This can be coupled with “The Flapper”, a fart of indeterminate origin that feels
like your arse cheeks have turned into the mouthpiece of a whoopee cushion. These are Grade 3 farts with a low volume and
not particularly satisfying. They usually involve a bit of a strain followed by disappointment.
Next on the scale are the Grade 2’s that include “The Drain” and “The Last Post”. As
it’s name suggests, the first of these is like the last drops of bathwater going down the plughole whist the second
one sounds like a double-tone tuba note that trails off with an echo. Apart from silent farts (ie: “The Double Cheek
Sneak”) these are the most common types and do not require a bent knee movement to obtain optimum force. They also tend
to be dry farts and are therefore less dangerous than their higher-level counterparts.
The top strata are Grade 1’s.
“Blanket Busters”, “Thunder Cracks” and “Colon Cannons” fall into this category
and if correctly executed can clear restaurants, bars and shopping malls. They are often loud enough to be mistaken for sonic
booms and have a satisfying resonance, but as they are wet farts one has to be particularly careful with the ‘push’
as there is a danger of shitting yourself.
However, we are straying from the point of my new software. I gave it a test run after lunch by ensuring the microphone
was on and aiming my backside towards the laptop. I managed to loose off a “Drain” without too much trouble and
eagerly played back the recording to hear the results. After a few minutes fiddling with the controls I was able to manipulate
the fart into all sorts of weird and wonderful sounds. I created an entirely new combination fart: “The Flapper Cannon
Crack”. Mrs. Snowman is making a chilli tonight so there is a reasonable chance I will be able to recreate it in person
without electronic assistance.
If I can’t do it unaided I can always pass off the recording as the new Spice Girls single.
The other good news today was the 81st place I achieved in the $250 freeroll. A respectable $0.32 has been
added to my bankroll. If I can make the top fifty tomorrow I might even get back to dollars again. I tried to repeat the feat
in the $500 event but was knocked out by a maniac who beat my pocket kings with an all-in bet and an 8 high straight. What
a bastard.
The mother-in-law got back in the early evening and announced her arrival by dropping an almighty Grade 1 in the kitchen.
When the echo has subsided it gave me a great idea. When Mrs. Snowman has gone to sleep I shall attach her cell phone interface
to the laptop and replace her current ring tone with the fart recording.
I intend to call her at least twenty times tomorrow.
Starting bank: $0
Current bank: $0.46
