Diary of an Online Poker Payer
Day Five
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Day Fifty Two

    A momentous day.

    Fanfares of trumpets fill the air; chorus lines of topless dancing girls high-kick their way across the living room and a snowstorm of golden ticker tape falls gently to the carpet. Yes you’ve guessed it…I made the money in last night’s freeroll.

    I don’t know if it was my ridiculous mode of play that ensured the cash tumbled into my bank or the prayer to the poker Gods, but it worked. I went all in at every available opportunity; any pair, any suited connectors, any Ace, any two face cards. It was crazy; I let out insane shrieks of laughter like a mad scientist in a test tube factory and played like a complete asshole. But I won.

    And my winnings?

    10 cents.

    Ten beautiful, sparkly, shiny little cents.

    Don’t worry; I’ll try to ensure it doesn’t change my life too much. I wont go on mad spending sprees across Europe or blow it all in one go. I’ve called my broker and taken his advice to invest it wisely. Some of his past tips have been spot on: WorldCom, Enron, musical g-strings, washable lavatory paper. He knows what he’s doing.

    I shall not give full details of my masterful performance as I intend to obtain the raw data of the hand histories from Ladbrokes and have them leather bound and sold at psychiatric conventions across the land.

    However, today also carried with it another episode worthy of note.

    Whilst basking in glory I took a break, switched on the television and watched a re-run of last years WSOP. Jennifer Tilley was playing.

    Ms. Tilley is a stunningly beautiful woman, a brilliant actress and fine poker player. She also has a remarkable chest. I realise this might get me a few negative comments for being sexist but I was transfixed. I couldn’t take my eyes off the screen and clearly the cameraman suffers from the same problem. A judder here, a wobble there; at one point I thought one of them even winked at me. This is worrying; I’ve obviously been spending too much time in the company of certain individuals in the freerolls. Either that or I’m more of a pervert than I first thought. Nonetheless it was a highly emotional moment, I felt a tear roll down my cheek and a lump come to the front of my trousers.

    Another freeroll takes place in a few hours but try as I might, I can’t bring myself to play the same way again. I shall change into my blue t-shirt (the one with a big S on the front), throw a tablecloth over my shoulders and wear my underpants on the outside. In fact, the more I consider it, the more I think it must have been my pleas to the poker Gods that secured my stunning win; so tonight I’m going to guarantee victory in every freeroll I enter.

    Yes…I’m going to offer the wife as a human sacrifice.

    All I need to do now is find a silver bullet and a jug of holy water.

 

 

Starting bank:  $0

Current bank:  $0.10

 

 

  

c.2007